This will not uplift or illuminate…
So no one reads this blog, at least I think that is the case. I think it is unlinked to my FB account so no one even knows when I post. And that is good. Because this post is not uplifting. It does not end on a happy note, it isn’t even sarcastic funny or good naturedly self deprecating. What it will be is honest. And that is why I am glad no one reads this.
I recently read Bryonie Wise’s article “I’m a F*cking Unicorn. (Or 10 Things to Do When You Get Fired for the First Time.)” and it really struck me. At least the unicorn part. He writes,
You are a fucking unicorn. You are a fucking unicorn and all this time, you have been trying to be a horse. You very carefully hid your horn every time you stepped in the room, pretending that you were more horselike and able to do horse-like things but what you were really doing was repressing the best parts of you. It’s simple: unicorns are unicorns and horses are horses. One can’t be like the other—it just doesn’t work that way. When you hide who you are, truly, madly, deeply, at the core of your being and try to fit into some other idea of you, you start dull; you shine less. Your horn starts to lose it’s power because it’s not being infused with everything it needs to stay alive and before you know it, your heart is crumpling in your hands.
I have been thinking a lot about being a mom and who I am in general. Recently I tried Roller Derby and it was an ultimate failure. I fell (hard) and broke my sacrum, which is my lower back. So I get to say “Tried Roller Derby. Broke my back”. I am OLD. Since that was a bust, I decided my next “thing to do” would be to start an all girls band and learn how to play the drums. Along with these hobbies, I like to think of other fabulous businesses to start, along with my current one (Paint N’ Party- mobile art classes and painting parties) because I am a SAHM and want to do “more”.
Well, the other day, in my meditation room (shower) I stewed on all my activities and I thought again to myself, “what if I was just a SAHM?”. What if that was enough? Then I vowed to devote myself 100% to being a mom, forget being a business owner, forget hobbies that take me away from the family and really are the hobbies of a teenager (did I mention I have been playing video games until 2 am nightly) and just focus on being an awesome, 100% fully engaged mom. Even when I worked full time while K was a toddler, I told myself that being a mom wouldn’t change me, that I could work like I didn’t have a family. When I decided to stay at home I decided to SACRFICE my work life for my family even though I really didn’t want to. Yup, I did not want to stay home. A SAHM life was never the future I thought I would have. I cringe at the idea of getting down on the floor and playing trucks or superheroes. Why not just color quietly while I listen to NPR, blog and drink coffee? Selfish, I know, but it just isn’t my type of play. Than goodness I can write that here and not be judged. Since, once again, no one is reading this. But a SAHM life is my life now, and through my shower meditation I saw that my activities and my attitude is me fighting, more like railing, against a life I already have. And I love my kids so why not just be the devoted mom?
Then I read the bit about the unicorn. WTF. Now what do I do? Moms can be sparkly and new and revived. They have fancy lives with girls with bows and tights and boys with caps and vests. That are together and have family blogs with pictures from their family photoshoots and not neurotic look at me blogs with nothing but crazy lady talk. Do I want to be like them or do I revile them? Am I jealous or do I not care and I am okay with who I am. When I pin something is that because I really want to do the craft with my kids or is it because I want to be the person that does that craft with their kids? I don’t know. But some days I just feel myself draining away. My wit and intelligence, my shiny essence, my fabulous self ebbing which each minute of mindless laundry, incessant fighting, cooking, cleaning, driving, erranding, shopping, answering, listening, caring, etc. day in and day out.
Aaargh- I can sense that I am treading the line between self aware and self obsessed. How can I be my unicorn when it’s not my job I am pretending for, but my life?